Loving Laura

Yesterday, I lost a best friend. Soul sistas, is how she’d describe us. In February, she found out she had little dots of cancer living in her body. She fought it as best she could, doing everything the doctors told her to do. And yesterday, after those dots morphed into something out of control, she said goodbye for the last time.

I’m sure some of you have experienced something similar, and I know I don’t have to describe the strange numbness and sense of disbelief that comes. But I do laugh when I talk about her. Smile when I see her family that makes me feel a little bit closer. And remember all those little details, like how she would get so excited to hear certain gossip and how she would gush when her cat Bindi would love all over me.

I love Laura. She’s definitely made a footprint on my life, forever. I will miss her so greatly.

I’ve obsessively going through photos of our times together. There are little secrets in some of them. Ones where she is so in shock over something someone said. Ones with that look that says she wants to be in her pajamas in the art studio. Ones where her eyes are closed and she’s all theatrical and taking in the world around her. I’m so glad I have them, and so glad she always trusted me with the camera. I thought I’d share some of them here:

On the day of one of her doctors appointments, we hiked to a labyrinth on an ocean cliff in San Francisco.Val, Laura and I took pictures on the beach in Aptos, where we had a soul shakedown before Laura and Grant got married.Grant and Laura celebrating Festivus at Mia’s house. So much fun. The only thing we worried about back then was whether or not our ‘airing of grievances’ would be funny. This year, we had a musical Valentine’s day hosted by Grant and Laura. It was so much fun. Laura made vegeterian lasagna. Laura started to complain about Grant’s too-large chunks of lettuce in the salad, but then we had to tell her it was Maggie who actually made the salad. It was funny.These are both from the soul shakedown, as we called it (Laura’s pre-wedding Aptos weekend). Val, Laura and I made earrings and a bracelet for Laura. Val and I went back and forth choosing beads and telling why they were significant for her bracelet. She like it a lot.Jen was supposed to join us in the soul shakedown, but couldn’t at the last minute. We had also planned to make our own head-dresses (‘YaYa Sisterhood style), but Jen was the only one who actually made one. Since she couldn’t go, we printer out her head and carried Jen with us all weekend with her head-dress on. This is Laura napping with Jen.I love Laura’s art studio. She had so many plans for it, but we still had some good times in there.In April, before the cancer really started taking over, Laura and I did a little photoshoot. I love this shot of her on the hanging bed in her backyard. One of her favorite things was hanging out on her patio with friends. Especially at night.I love seeing her this way, so happy and free like the little gypsy-hippie-freebird she always was.Another one of my favorites from our afternoon in the sun. Laura liked this picture too because it shows her scar from the first time she had cancer removed from her body years ago. She hoped that was the last time she’d have to deal with cancer.

Another thing I’ve been doing is reading some of the comments Laura left on this blog. I can totally hear her in her comments. Here is what she said after she all of her backyard pictures. It kind of makes me smile:

“I’ve never felt more loved in my life than I do right now. I have never felt more lucky than I do right now. I have never felt so full of life than I do right this very second. I have never felt healthier than I do right now! With all this said, How can I be saddened by cancer? The best part of all, is how its affected those around me. Friends like you. If I passed away tomorrow EVERYTHING that is happened to me would be all worth while. If it wasnt for my team of supporters I couldn’t say any of this! Lauren you inspire me every single day. YOU, your colorful dreams and your faith are a big reason why I am able to carry on and be resilient! Thank you from the bottom of my big red heart.”

Our to Yosemite a week and a half ago.

I wrote this on a Facebook photo yesterday, a few hours after I learned she’d gone. Thought I’d share it here, too:

I love you, Laura, forever and ever. I love our friendship, that special bond. I love our understanding of each other and our giggles and silly nicknames and the way you put your perspective on life. I love that I woke up wishing you could get out of bed … now I can’t imagine where you’ve been. I love thinking of you in heaven and feeling the Father’s love so intensely and seeing your mother and knowing that everything that hurt so much in this world is now okay and makes sense. I miss you already and will talk to you like I always do, and I’ll get frustrated when I can’t figure out how to do something that you were going to teach me (but that’s okay). I’ll smile when I hear G. Love, when I look through your photo session ‘bloopers,’ whenever I see the ocean, whenever Bindi curls up under my chin and whenever I read all of your old e-mails. You’ve taught me a lot (like how to make earrings, how to make a space feel like home, how to eat healthy and how to put out a kitchen fire of flaming coconut). I love, love, love you, forever and ever.

Also, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. Keep the family in your prayers.